This last Sunday was my 30th birthday. Don't be misled by the title of this post. I don't mean that I want to get older faster (although there are days when I wouldn't mind retiring!) I mean that I want to grow in maturity and my ability to be less influenced by surroundings and to be more gracious. Every time a holiday rolls around, I tend to get a knot in the pit of my stomach. Will I make turkey for 22 again this year and get burnt out or just forego the holiday? Will all 700 of my students expect a Valentine? When someone asks me if I have any special plans, what should I say? Should I open presents on Christmas morning if it's just me or wait till Jan is free? There are no traditions for my holidays here. Christmas is not the season for advent, it's the season for massive evangelism. I'm not saying it's wrong- it's just hard for me to adjust.
Birthdays might be the worst of all. Not because I worry about getting a year older. Hey- my mom still looks young and I work with students, for goodness' sake. I still think I AM 20. I don't like birthdays because I always fear that it will reveal how little those around me know me. That's a terrible discovery to make. Weird things happen on birthdays- like getting sent teabags in China, or getting the same gift from four different people or having Mimi (my great-grandmother who passed away a few years ago) haul out something from 1972 for you. But anyway, this random gifting happens to all of us, I think. I just seem to have an inordinate amount of fear of what that MEANS. Probably I'm thinking too much. That, as those who know me well can attest, is one of my favorite pastimes.
This year has been a booming year for self-reflection. First off, here in Macau, I can celebrate two New Years, the solar and the lunar (Chinese). Then, this year I also had a "big" birthday. In fact, I really have felt God pushing some messages at me this year. I really have a desire this year to stop committing to things that I don't really feel convicted to do. I need to spend more time doing what God has gifted and challenged me to do rather than letting others decide my life and schedule. I don't mean this in a rude or abrasive way, I just mean that I'm really ultimately only responsible to one person and I don't want to waste my life. This is a great growing conviction, but it is very hard for a "man-fearer" (in the Biblical sense, that is) for me to do. I care what people think and say too much. I also feel more called to speak up when I see something that should be changed; not just to roll over or to be passive aggressive in order to try to change things. Yup, that will mean sometimes being counter-culture here, but maybe that's okay…maybe a bit of spice seasons the dish at times- if it's the right thing to do. I'm called to be salt and light- something that stands out from its surroundings, not something that blends in.
I'm also striving to find my sense of well-being and happiness in God and not in my surroundings. (I know-I know, this is not achieved overnight.) I want to not feel lonely in my aloneness; I want to be braver.
So, unfortunately, this report of my birthday must include the note that I failed miserably in these goals this week. I pouted, I wasn't gracious always to those around me, I moped and felt sorry for myself. Instead of using this milestone to build into the lives of those who cared enough to serenade me on Sunday and make me flowers, I mostly turned inward. Ugh! So- I can't wait to get better, to grow more mature. I can't wait for the day when birthdays come cheap because I've had so many.
At the end of this negative, but just self-reflection, I want to say that I'm am really grateful for some recent gifts-not only for Tina's flowers, the notebook, cd, cards, etc…, but also for the chance to meet again weekly with Tina, with Yammie (my pastor's wife), and to hang out with some friends from church. This has helped to restore my sense of community. I've also (up to "D-Day") been excited to see more fruit in my life- more care for others and not less. God in His graciousness is good. And last night, a group of my friends went across the border with me for some great green Thai curry and I bought a real pair of cute Converse for about 8 bucks (although my friend was mad that we didn't get a discount). These may not be the most important things that I've been given recently, but they were nice.
I close with the prayer of St. Francis and I just want to say that I'm not writing this to seem "good" or to confess (well, maybe) or anything. This is really how I feel. I just kind of want to get on with more important things in my life. I don't want to hate myself, but I don't want myself to keep myself from growing either, to be the woman I'm supposed to be. (And, yes, that is a very "different" thing to say.)
The Peace Prayer of Saint Francis
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is error, truth;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console;
To be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
It is in self-forgetting that we find;
And it is in dying to ourselves that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.
圣方济各和平祈祷文
主啊，
请将我塑造成和平工具
哪里有伤害，让我传达宽恕
哪里有仇恨，让我播种爱德
哪里有疑惑，让我提供望德
哪里有绝境，让我带去喜乐
主啊，
请赏赐我所梦寐以求的
不是被理解，而是去理解
不是被安慰，而是去安慰
不是被人爱，而是去爱人
因为
只有给予，我们才会获取
去原谅，我们才会被宽恕
死于旧我，才会获得永生
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