Perfect Weakness

For the last, oh, probably 10+ years, I try to give something up at Lent in the old Christian tradition, which is mainly considered a Catholic one here in Macau. The purpose of this is to focus more on prayer and to meditate on what Christ has done for us- to prepare our hearts for Easter. Usually I give up coffee or chocolate or something equally necessary to my happiness J and when I think of that thing, try to take a few moments to reflect or pray. This year I decided that that if the whole point was prayer I should sacrifice some sleep in the mornings so that I could pray more. (It has not always made me the most cheerful person in the last few weeks- I do love my sleep. When people ask me if I'm a morning or night person, I just say that I'm a sleep person. I recover from everything through sleep.)

I'm asking God to teach me more about His power this year- His power in humility and in resurrection. Mentally I know that God is the One who determines all and who grows all the seeds that I'm out here crazily planting, but sometimes I forget that and run ahead of prayer in my planning. So- I want to reacquaint myself with His power.

Did you ever pray something and then realize pretty quickly afterwards what a dangerous idea that it was to pray that specific thing? It seemed like everything has been going wrong over the past several days! More than once I've walked into a classroom of students and felt a rush of Senioritis hit me between the eyes. Those moments are so unnerving! How am I supposed to keep 20+ kids's (who are just ready to graduate and get out of middle school) attention?? The blank eyes, drooling, and incessant murmuring amongst themselves indicate a really bad case of Senioritis. Today, one of those students who also helps me with some of the clubs for Primary students told me that the last lesson was so boring. Oh, brother- maybe because I was so tongue-tied. I feel so weak standing there and facing them under these circumstances.

Last Saturday I had agreed to lead youth group for my coworker who is desperately (!) trying to finish her Master's thesis. When I'm tired, my Chinese might as well the language of Mars or some other alien planet for all the good that it does those who are listening. My brain goes on autopilot somewhere over the Pacific Ocean of my waving thoughts and I have to repeat myself over and over again very slowly and clearly. Well, that happened last week. To top it all off, one of the girls kept getting phone calls regarding a farewell party for her classmate. She'd bury her head in the pillow on the couch and keep talking, as if we couldn't hear her. My weakness definitely came to mind last Saturday.

A few weeks ago while my students were taking exams I had planned a 2 day retreat to pray about the upcoming summer and about ministry plans. I ended up spending the first day puking up green bile and laying on the bed holding my stomach. When my friend and co-worker, Tina, brought me some bland porridge to eat she said that I really looked up to my name- I really looked like a ghost (which is what foreigners are called in Cantonese- I am ghostly little sister.) I haven't felt so weak in a long time.

So apparently my prayers are quite dangerous, because it all hit me this week while I was doing a Bible Study with our pastor's daughter who I am attempting, in my weakness, to disciple. God's power keeps coming up over and over in my studies. This time it was in Ephesians 1. (Check it out, it's amazing stuff.) In this passage Paul writes to the Ephesian BELIEVERS that he is praying for their eyes to be opened so that they may know (experientially) the hope to which God's called them, the inheritance that is theirs AND His great power for them- the same power that God used to raise Jesus. It just struck me in a fresh way that although these guys were believers, they perhaps didn't really understand or realize what that hope, inheritance and power meant. They didn't fully grasp everything they had been given in Christ.

I think I'm the same way. I have it…I just don't always live it. Maybe this week full of imperfections is God's way of humbling me again…of reminding me that I can do nothing without Him and that His power is made perfect in my weakness. I may think I want to do everything great….but then, I wouldn't need Him. So, I guess I'll take the kids with Senioritis, the puking and the crazy 2^nd language experiences. If it brings me closer to Him- bring it on!

Those are my thoughts tonight- keep me in your prayers. There are a lot of things to think about these days and some real need for direction, both short and long-term.

It's getting late. I'm feeling a strange sensation, I might be…ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz. J 晚安